Category: Bullying
Posted by Larry Herren on Thu, May 15, 2008 at 1:21 PMNo bullying allowed
I've been privileged and had some fun the last few months speaking to "dad groups" at elementary schools in our area. I'm humbled to have met so many caring and involved dads. It's certainly a different mindset and look from when I was in elementary school.
Although increased father involvement is one of the more exciting differences I've been struck by, I've also noticed something else that's absolutely needed: a concerted effort to understand and stop bullying.
I've seen posters on gymnasium walls and signs in hallways that make it clear this is a "No Bullying Zone" and that "Bullying is not cool." There are even instructions printed for kids on how to respond to someone who is trying to bully them. These are not the tips I grew up with or I'm sure anyone born prior to 1980 did. Tips include:
- Respond with humor, i.e., a bully verbally insults you and you make light of it or say something funny in response might disarm the bully.
- Respond with confidence. Bullies usually act out their own sense of inadequacies. Showing confidence can achieve a psychological edge that leaves the bully feeling he/she has just been beaten at his/her own game. Confidently letting a bully know that you can and will report them to an authority can make them back off, too.
It's also important to note that bullying is not limited to boys. Bullying by girls might not be as obvious because it's typically less physical in nature. But the psychological bullying girls often engage in - verbal abuse, taunting and teasing - can create emotional damage that lasts a lifetime. Boys also engage in this sort of psychological bullying and girls and boys can and do engage in physical bullying that can include everything from grabbing, pushing, tripping or flat out punching someone to even sexual assault.
Bottom line: When someone is picked on - repeatedly, by an individual or group who has more power either in physical strength or social standing - that's bullying.
Bullies tend to pick on people who they think don't fit in or who they feel safe to pick on because they believe them to be vulnerable, such as kids who are withdrawn or shy, smaller and those with disabilities.
I'm glad to see an increased effort - and at an earlier age - to understand and stop bullying. I'm curious, have others had experiences with this or seen similar kinds of efforts being made in their child's school?
Category: Kids activities
Posted by Robert Pedersen on Wed, May 14, 2008 at 6:59 AMIron Man attacks Michigan dad
Last week I was changing the diaper of our newborn son and had my back to my other son and daughter who were playing superheroes. Iron Man flew six feet through the air at the velocity my son would call "super fast" and collided with the back of my head. I am sure someone wishes this would have knocked some sense into me. However, to my son he was just trying to draw me into their monumental battle.
It was amazing that it hurt so much and I had to bite my lip. Turning around I realized it was one of the heaviest Iron Man action figures that made an impressive attack on my skull. It was not Iron Man, but the dreaded Iron Monger action figure that made the father assault.
I had to explain to my son that propelling toys in the air anywhere around our newborn, or anyone in the house, was not a wise choice. He took note and proceeded to have the "mother of all" superhero battles with his sister.
Learning the exact names of different toys sends the message to your kids that you listen to them. It tells them that what they say and do is important to you. Plus, this allows you to quickly jump into the battle and feel like a kid again for a hot minute. This is excellent stress relief, you really should try it. I never knew how fun it would be to battle the Incredible Hulk. Perhaps this is a sign that my wife and I need to get out more?
What parent hasn't stepped on a misplaced Hot Wheels car from time to time while in a rush? It smarts, doesn't it? This incident with my son made me realize how much I will miss this someday when they are all grown up. Being a father is the greatest gift of all. Someday I might reach the age to where the only thing falling out of the sky is not an action figure, but perhaps all of my hair and a set of dentures. Children grow up too quick, so try hard to appreciate every moment with them even if it calls for Tylenol afterward.
Category: Marriage
Posted by Robert Pedersen on Mon, May 12, 2008 at 11:25 PMMake every day Mother's Day
Make every day Mother's Day! Hallmark would certainly love for this to happen but in reality a sound marriage requires daily appreciation of your spouse. In the hustle of daily life it is quite common to become consumed with your daily challenges outside of your relationship. This especially occurs when both work full-time jobs and have the added challenge of life with children. You may appreciate your wife tremendously; however is she truly aware of your admiration and affection for her?
With soaring divorce rates split families are becoming more common and the stepmother leads an often times thankless parenting role. Stepmothers have to be the ultimate spouse, balancing the needs of their immediate family and also mediate expectations that can be demanded by their husband's ex-wife. There is also the fine balancing act of listening to the stepchildren and helping them as much as possible with the challenges they will face being in a split family. It can be the most challenging job any parent can embrace. With beads of sweat they walk a tight rope everyday with expectations coming from all directions.
Whether your spouse plays the role of mother, stepmother or both make sure you show your appreciation everyday. Even if this acknowledgment is not reciprocal, in most cases it will noticed and you just might find that it comes full circle with additional appreciation for you as a loving husband and father. Do not let a day go by without making a small effort every day to let her know just how special she is to you and your children.
I do not own Hallmark stock and certainly would not advise you to buy a card every day as this would lose meaning over time. Show your appreciation in small and large ways depending on your resources, time and personality. Be completely unpredictable in the ways you show your appreciation. Schedule a pedicure for her. Attach a single red rose to her vehicle's steering wheel with a short note of your love and appreciation. Surprise her at work, not with a delivery of roses but with a picnic basket for a brief outdoor lunch. Make a video of an important moment in your marriage. Fix the dishwasher that has led to the family hand-washing the dishes at night. Schedule a weekend alone for relaxing as often as your resources allow but don't go to the same destination each time - mix it up.
What if your wife has the added stress that typically comes along with being a stepmother? Try to truly understand how demanding this can be on your wife by researching stepparenting in general. Unless your heart is petrified this will most certainly lead to a greater appreciation of your wife. Tell her how much you appreciate the role she has in an oftentimes very complex family structure.
Here's a personal example that made me really understand how being a stepmother is sometimes a thankless job: At our daycare for my son and daughter from a prior marriage, my wife was given a Mother's Day gift to pass along to my children's mother. No recognition for stepparents? My wife came home and placed this Mother's Day gift on the counter for us to pass along to the children's mom on Mother's Day. I am very proud of how she responded and made sure this was given to my children's mother. Now we are proud parents of our own child and she plays the ultimate role of mom and stepmother.
In addition to making sure you show your daily appreciation for her challenging role of being a stepmother, you can also show her that you acknowledge this is oftentimes a true balancing act befitting of an angel. Allow her to network with other stepmothers by getting her a membership with the Second Wives Club. Show her you care by reviewing helpful advice given by the National Stepfamily Resource Center.
Whether mother, stepmother or both, you can make a difference in your marriage by letting your wife know in small ways that every day is Mother's Day.
Category: Book raffle
Posted by Beth Reeber Valone on Mon, May 12, 2008 at 3:34 PMWin books on creative families, 'soccer moms'
Summer is coming, so it's time to stock up on "beach reads" (maybe for your wife?) and fun family activities.
I have two books to give away this week: one is some light/fun reading, the other is a helpful guide on how to have fun with your children.
In "The Creative Family: How to Encourage Imagination and Nurture Family Connections," author Amanda Blake Soule presents simple ways to use arts and crafts and other forms of creativity to deepen family connections.
"Carpool Diem" by Nancy Star shows another way to connect with your family as a corporate executive-turned stay at home mom finds the soccer sidelines are more cutthroat than a boardroom ever was.
So, if you are ready for some fun drop a line to MichDads@detnews.com with BOOK RAFFLE in the subject line (and which book you'd like) along with your name, mailing address and phone number. Submit by midnight Sunday and I'll announce the winners early next week. Good luck!
Category: Media
Posted by Larry Herren on Thu, May 8, 2008 at 1:16 PM'Bad Dads' is a bad idea
Michael Ray of Milwaukee, Wisc., mentioned a new "reality" type of TV program being considered by the Fox network called "Bad Dads."
A Reuters report described the role of Jim Durham, director of the National Child Support Center, as a sort of "Dog the Bounty Hunter" acting as an avenger of penniless single mothers who hunts down "deadbeat dads" and forces them to pay child support. Sounds like ambush reality TV.
Fathers & Families and the American Coalition for Fathers & Children oppose the airing of this program because among other things, "it unfairly depicts divorced fathers as uncaring and selfish, when research clearly shows that most divorced dads pay their child support and remain a part of their children's lives, often under difficult circumstances. It also publicly humiliates children of broken families by depicting their fathers as not loving or caring for them."
In fact, there is a lot of opposition to this program being aired. One of the better known in father advocacy circles is Glenn Sacks, who notes that thus far, the campaign against Fox airing this show has made its way into 300 newspapers and that Fox has received some 5,000 letters and calls in protest. I've made it 5,001 and I hope anyone reading this blog would join me in letting Fox know this sort of programming is offensive to fatherhood and fails to take in to account what further damage is done to children when they witness dads, perhaps theirs, being humiliated on national TV.
I believe both parents have a responsibility to contribute to the financial support of their children, but the issue of how that system works and doesn't work is a whole other blog in itself. My more immediate concern is how this appears to be yet another Hollywood effort to smear divorced dads and depict men in general as irresponsible and uncaring parents.
No question that there are a segment of dads out there who would fit the mold for casting in this type of TV program, but statistics show they are clearly in the minority. In fact, if Fox was responsible enough to do the research they would find most fathers who have significant child support arrearages are not "deadbeat" as much as they are dead broke. Fox might also consider that according to U.S. Census data, noncustodial mothers are 20 percent more likely than noncustodial dads to default on their child support obligation. Information from multiple sources show what common sense dictates: Fathers who have significant parenting time with their children are significantly more likely to pay child support. In fact, studies show that 90 percent of fathers with joint custody paid their financial support and only 10 percent of all noncustodial dads fit the criteria for "deadbeat."
If Fox has the integrity, I believe it would do better to run a show on why so many dads are absent in their children's lives after divorce and the trials and tribulations they're made to emotionally and financially endure when an unwilling co-parent uses a gender-biased legal system to frustrate or block a father's effort to be an equal part of parenting his children. I guess maybe that just isn't the sort of entertainment our TV networks are looking for.
Go to this link to voice your protest with a letter to Fox.
Category: Parenting Education Event
Posted by Kevin OShea on Tue, May 6, 2008 at 8:26 PMConference provides great day for parents
Last week I encouraged everyone to attend Saturday's second annual Great Parents Conference in Lake Orion. The event turned out to be a terrific combination of enthusiastic parents, top-notch organization and great educational content (and I'm not saying that just because I was the keynote speaker).
The focus of the conference was parenting children younger than 5. I had the good fortune to watch portions of several workshops and I was particularly impressed by the insight and energy of the presenters. I heard a lot of helpful, practical advice, proving there's no parenting challenge that can't be addressed with some commitment and creativity.
I'm interested: What's the best piece of parenting advice readers have for other dads?
Category: Life lessons
Posted by Chris Edwards on Sun, May 4, 2008 at 9:21 PMA dad honors Dad
We talk a lot on this blog about our kids, because it's a dads blog and most of us are dads. But everyone who reads this has a dad, of course, living or not, and today I thought a lot about my dad, who would have been 68 today.
So much of who I am as a father is shaped by how my dad fathered me. Even though he's been gone more than three years, he continues to shape me and our children. I spent some of today honoring him by carefully cleaning our car, like he and I used to do together. I spent some of this gorgeous spring day walking through a preserve of wooded hills with his grandchildren, something he came to appreciate late in his life. And I spent some time talking with my kids about things he did with me, how he raised me, while we shared some small physical mementoes that I cherish. Their direct memories of him are faint and fading. I gave them extra hugs that he would have given them.
I don't feel maudlin; I celebrate his life on the day of his birth. I hope that if your father is still alive, you consider paying him a visit, giving him a call, dropping him a note. If anything needs to be ironed out, work on it. If things remain to be said, say them. There's never a perfect time perhaps, but there lots of times when it's too late.
If your father is also gone, I encourage you to think about how he lives on in you and your children. My father made many mistakes, but I've come to see his whole life as a full story, including my role in it. We had time near the end, and everything that needed to be said was said. That makes it much easier.
Each year on May 4, I grieve him a little less. I understand him a little more. And I honor him a little better.
Category: Child support
Posted by Chris Edwards on Sat, May 3, 2008 at 4:28 PMDeadbeat dad or muddled mess?
This story in The Detroit News about a father who bequeathed big money to MSU but hadn't paid child support brought back unhappy memories of my own father falling way behind in his child support payments when I was a kid. My mom, understandably angry, would put him down in front of my brother and me quite often. Made us feel great.
My first thought in reading this story, just like when I was a kid, was to blame the dad. He may very well be to blame, but with the benefit of adulthood, I have to wonder what the full story is. The dad simply says, "It's a very personal matter." Maybe that's a copout or maybe there are things going on he didn't want to hash out in the papers.
I was taught not to call people names (but reporters often can't resist the alliterative "deadbeat dad" label) and not to judge people until you know the full story. My Webster's says a deadbeat is "someone who tries to evade paying for things." So this guy is a deadbeat philanthopist. Isn't that an oxymoron? My point is, there's probably more to this story.
I did find it interesting that the expert lamented the huge national problem of people losing sight of the kids, and that is a tragedy. But if this guy pays off the judgment with interest, his son says that would be "retribution for what's she's (the mother) given up." That sounded a shrill tone to me.
Category: Parenting Education Event
Posted by Kevin OShea on Thu, May 1, 2008 at 1:11 PMSecond Annual Parent Conference in Lake Orion
I'm thrilled to be delivering the keynote address at the Second Annual Parent Conference this Saturday (May 3) at the Lake Orion Community Education Center.
This free event is presented by the Great Start Oakland Collaborative, Early On of Oakland, Oakland Schools and Lake Orion Community Schools and is designed for parents and caregivers of children from zero to five years of age.
It lasts from 9 a.m. until 2 p.m., breakfast and lunch are included, and child care is available for a limited number of children up to 11 years of age.
In my address, Smarter Solutions for Today's Parents, I'll offer a host of practical strategies parents can use to become more effective and less frustrated. There will also be exhibitors and a number of workshops (I'm also presenting one)on topics from play to Love & Logic to healthy eating.
For complete information, visit the Great Start Oakland Web site at www.greatstartforkids-oakland.org or call Darlene Zimny at 248-209-2588. You can register online at www.oakland.k12.mi.us (click "Register Online").
I hope to see you there!
Category: Book raffle
Posted by Beth Reeber Valone on Mon, Apr 28, 2008 at 10:34 AMWin a book of fun or tips on raising an only child
This week, we have two good books to give away. The first is a great resource for those parenting an only child, the other offers ideas for family fun around the state.
In the recently published "The Future of Your Only Child / How to Guide Your Child to a Happy and Successful Life" expert Carl E. Pickhardt aids families in understanding the common traits of many adult "onlies" - like shyness, perfection and intolerance - so they can better prepare for potential outcomes. He also celebrates the positive qualities of only children and how to encourage characteristics like thoughtfulness, creativity and ambition.
In "Michigan Family Field Trips," Detroit News family entertainment writer Ellyce Field features the best places to have fun with your kids in the state in a format that's small enough to stow in a bag or the car. It's a great resource.
Ellyce also has a couple of appearances coming up about how to be a hometown tourist.
You can find all kinds of fun family activities in our online events calendar, too, at http://events.detnews.com
If you are interested in either book, drop a line to MichDads@detnews.com with BOOK RAFFLE in the subject line (and which book) along with your name, mailing address and phone number. Submit by midnight Sunday and I'll announce the winners early next week. Good luck!
