Category: School
Posted by Kevin OShea on Thu, Aug 28, 2008 at 7:42 AMBack to school for dads, too?
As a full-time father, I've spent many hours volunteering in my children's schools and serving on (or chairing) PTA committees. I've commented before on the relative absence of fathers in school, but an article in the current issue of Instructor magazine (written for elementary school teachers) does a better job than I ever could of defining the problem.
Kyle Pruett, a professor at Yale and a fomer keynote speaker at the Midwest Fathers Conference, is quoted as saying that "Many men, myself included, do not feel welcome in schools. There are no posters on the wall or magazines in the front office that make me feel like this is my place."
Why is this? "The schools say the fathers don't come because they're so busy, they're working," Pruett says. "And the fathers say, 'Nobody asks, of course I'd come.'"
Ron Klinger, founder of the nonprofit Center for Successful Fathering, says he faced resistance when he began running school-site fathering workshops in the 1990s. "We discovered that school teachers actually preferred to have mothers there rather than the fathers. Who knows why?" He provides the answer: "Schools are matriarchal."
For sure. Women outnumber men on PTA membership roles 9-1, and moms were nearly three times more likely than dads to volunteer at school. (In single-parent families, mothers were only slightly more involved than fathers.)
This father absence is a shame, because fathers' presence in schools can do wonders for kids. "We know that when fathers are positively engaged in children's lives, a lot of positive things happen," according to Pruett. "They are better behaved. They do better in school. They are less likely to use physical violence." Plus, children with fathers who are involved at school are more likely to get better grades, participate in extracurricular activities, and they are less likely to be disciplined.
What's your take? Are you involved at your children's school? Why or why not? What about your fellow dads? And most importantly, what can schools do to make it more likely for fathers to become involved members of the school community?
Category: Equal Parenting Bike Trek
Posted by Robert Pedersen on Thu, Aug 14, 2008 at 9:13 AMMichigan cyclists head to parental rights event in D.C.
On Aug. 15-16, thousands of people will come together in support of parental rights at the DC Festival 2008.
"Parental rights are one of those natural rights that are and should be protected against intrusion by the government," said Lary Holland, head organizer of this massive event. "It is our responsibility as citizens to remind the government of its limitations."
There is tremendous support for the DC Festival 2008 based on media and blog coverage and numerous elected officials such as U.S Congressman Pete Hoekstra (H.J. Res. 97) and state representatives John Stahl (MI H.J. Res. NN) and Lamar Lemmons Jr.
View the master schedule for the DC Festival 2008.
While most are driving and flying to this event, four cyclists are pedaling more than 758 miles to attend the DC Festival 2008 while spreading awareness of the importance of equal parenting rights. Three of the Equal Parenting Bike Trek cyclists are from Michigan:
Brian Downs - judicial candidate in Kent County, Mich.
Bill Foster - cycling for his cousin and uncle Scott Hudson - Michigan state representative candidate for 43rd District.
Robb MacKenzie
The fourth cyclist, Bill Knoellner, started his journey before the others by taking a bus to Michigan from Pennsylvania to cycle the 2008 Equal Parenting Bike Trek.
My wife and I had the pleasure of Bill's company the evening before the departure of this cycling trek. He got quite a laugh when I shared with him a parody video that I made regarding the Equal Parenting Bike Trek. Bill represents the PA Families and Children's Equality (FACE) organization.
The Equal Parenting Bike Trek departed on Aug. 7 from the Lansing Michigan Capitol and received a police escort while pedaling through the city. I am thankful to report all cyclists are in good spirits and very healthy despite second degree sunburns and broken derailers and wheels. They made it up the thigh-burning hills in Pennsylvania and now are pedaling downhill at more than 50 mph into Maryland.
You can view pictures as they become available of the 2008 event and there are hundreds of photos from last year's event. We will also add new videos to the large collection we have from last years event at Cycling4Children.com. We are already looking forward to the 2009 Equal Parenting Bike Trek.
Would you pedal 758 miles in support of parental rights? I would love to hear from you so I can pass this along to the cyclists.
Category: Roles of parents
Posted by Larry Herren on Mon, Aug 11, 2008 at 1:39 PMTwo in parenting Is better than one
I don't know about others, but I'm noticing, much to my delight, that while there are a few who continue to subscribe to outdated notions about the needs of children in divorce or never married scenarios, the number is quickly shrinking.
I write this with cautious optimism but more recent local and national trends seem to indicate a growing consensus have come to understand what more recent research on the matter overwhelmingly concludes, children do best when they have the healthy and consistent involvement of both parents. Common sense certainly dictates this line of thinking but it's now further substantiated in multitudes of studies that conclude what children need more than one home environment, or even more than one consistent routine, is equal time to establish and maintain an equally important healthy, loving and consistent relationship with both parents. This, in fact, trumps any perceived need for having one primary bedroom or closet, neighborhood or set of friends. As some have surmised, correctly in my opinion, children actually do just fine in multiple living environments as long as the environment, like the relationship, is consistent, safe and predictable.
Children thrive in diversity and if one argues that they need the healthy involvement of both parents in marriage, how can they rationalize that this somehow changes outside of marriage?
My son, even at 5 years old, understands this fact. It doesn't matter what the language of a court order states, the reality is that he lives in a structured routine that defines two home environments and he's experienced the benefits of it. No question that they're different. The styles in parenting, the feel of the households and I'm sure the activity and levels of activity are as different as night and day but by all accounts, D.J. is doing great. He has attachments to and value for what he gets out of both of his families and as I've taught him from day one, he's a lucky boy to get two birthdays, two Christmases, multiple vacations with both families and most important, that he is blessed to have two parents, regardless of their marital status, who love him.
It's a burden to kids, one that can be long lasting and damaging when parents compete for them as if they were some sort of emotional and financial trophy to be won rather than a gift to be shared. In fact, if dedicated parenting is truly occurring, a fit and willing parent should never have to compete for time or equal participation in elements of parenting because "fit" parenting includes cooperation and efforts to making sure both remain an active and equal part of they're children's lives. A dedicated parent overcomes their personal feelings and prioritizes what their children need, which includes a reflective understanding that two really is better than one.
Category: Work-family balance
Posted by Kevin OShea on Sun, Aug 3, 2008 at 8:32 AMWould you take time off for birth?
Today I read a piece by a former Major League Baseball player who discussed the growing tension surrounding players who take time off for the birth of a child. He wrote, "No one would dare say it, but there is a clock ticking when you leave your team for the birth of your child. Sure, it isn't 24 hours, but it isn't a week, either. And once you cross that threshold of acceptable leave of absence, people start grumbling."
Based on what I've heard from young fathers, I suspect this problem isn't confined to professional athletics. I'm interested in hearing about the experiences of other fathers. Did you take time off from work when your children were born? Was it vacation time or a paternity leave? Did it cause tension with your bosses and co-workers? And would you do it differently now?
Category: Child care
Posted by Larry Herren on Thu, Jul 24, 2008 at 2:12 PMBe confident in separations and your child will, too
Since my son was just and infant, he has been going to day care, more recently preschool. In September he's starting kindergarten. Time really does fly.
D.J. has a confidence level that is off the charts so it's not been often that he's acted out the fears, anxieties and general protests children often communicate in relation to separation from their parents. However, I was reading something interesting in this regard by "Love and Logic" guru Dr. Charles Fay and thought it might be helpful to others.
In "Tips for Easing Separation Anxiety," Dr. Fay notes that nothing jerks us to tears more than seeing our little ones melting down as we leave them with the babysitter, daycare, preschool, etc. Here's the problem: If we let our own anxiety and sadness show, our kids will pick up on it and have a much harder time adjusting to separations.
Listed below are some quick tips for easing your child's separation anxiety - and yours:
￢ﾀﾢ Prior to and during separation transitions be very businesslike in your tone and general demeanor. Kids take their emotional cues from the important adults in their lives.
￢ﾀﾢ Talk as little as possible. Trying too hard to reassure your child will actually elevate his or her fear.
￢ﾀﾢ Make the transitions as quick as possible. When you leave your child, leave quickly. This is even more important if your child appears to be getting upset.
￢ﾀﾢ Ask the adults you are leaving your child with how long it typically takes for him to calm down once you are gone. In most cases, it takes just a couple minutes or so.
￢ﾀﾢ Enjoy your kids as much as possible when they are with you. Kids who feel secure in their relationships with their parents tend to experience less anxiety when they separate.
To learn more practical tips for parenting young children, watch Dr. Fay's DVD, "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years." Or you can contact the Love and Logic Institute for more information at (800) 338-4065.
Category: Kids activities
Posted by Chris Edwards on Sun, Jul 20, 2008 at 11:18 PMWhy do pediatricians make us wait so much?
Our 9-year-old daughter caught a tennis racket in the face a few days ago and it wasn't pretty.
The pediatrician's office closest to our house didn't have the right kind of permabond to glue her back together, though the doctor on duty told us that the gash shouldn't need stitches. We just had to make an appointment at a different office for later in the afternoon. Our daughter was remarkably relieved to hear this news; she opened up her chin just over a year ago and needed nine stitches that day. Let's just say the stitches experience left a very bad taste in her mouth that she had no interest in repeating.
After waiting a couple of hours until our appointment time, our trip to the other office went pretty close to a script we've experienced before. We arrive about 10 minutes before appointment time, as requested. About 10 minutes after our appointment time, we are called into a room, where we wait for another 15 minutes before the doctor comes in. In this case, after looking at her cut for about 10 seconds, he told us she'd need a couple of stitches and left the room. I followed him out to tell him of her intense fear, and to make sure it wasn't a case that could go either way (since the other doctor had decided stitches weren't needed). He assured me stitches were the way to go, and I assured him that she was real scared. We then had to wait 25 minutes for him to return to the room to begin the procedure. During that time, our daughter got swallowed up by the dual monsters of anticipation and dread. By the time he came back in, she was crying and literally shaking from head to toe with fear. The actual procedure was even more painful for her (and dreadful to watch) than we had expected, but there was little anybody could have done about that.
Still, I was left wondering why she had to wait all that time after he gave her the bad news. And more generally, why are doctor's offices shrouded in so much mystery? Where do they go when they leave like that? Do they see other patients, check on their stocks, polish their stethoscopes? Does it make sense for them to keep dashing in and out of rooms? In particular, if the doctor knew she was very scared, couldn't he have gotten to it a little quicker, knowing how fear can grow like a balloon with every breath? I know everyone wants their child to be taken care of best and first, but I'd have been happier to just wait longer initially if we had to (though I wonder why we make appointments if we always have to wait after we arrive) and then get his full attention between diagnosis and treatment. I should probably ask the doctor these questions myself, but judging from his reaction to my question about whether she HAD to have stitches, he probably wouldn't like my questions.
At the risk of sounding sexist, my experience has been that female pediatricians attend to our children with more empathy and superior "bedside manor" than men. I don't know if anyone else has noticed that, but I have read there are now more women practicing pediatrics than men. Am I sexist to think that's probably good. I'm just a dad looking for a better way.
Category: Media
Posted by Kevin OShea on Tue, Jul 15, 2008 at 7:40 AMMarketing to our kids is irresponsible
There's something I've wondered about for a while: Why do companies market toys to young children that are tied in to movies the children are too young to see?
The latest example is the new "Indiana Jones" movie, rated PG-13 and, if the reviews are to be believed (I haven't seen the film), inappropriate for youngsters below fourth or fifth grade at best (the rating would certainly support that).
How to explain, then, the massive campaign by Lego promoting their line of Indiana Jones toys, tied closely to the release of the movie? That leaves me to explain to my 7-year-old why he can't see a movie that appears to be aimed right at him. The same goes for any number of PG-13 films.
Of course, I understand that the movie studios and toy companies are committed to selling as many tickets and related products as possible even if that means attracting 3-year-olds to what is plainly disturbing fare. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.
Category: Summer and kids
Posted by Chris Edwards on Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:19 AMIs son's early exit from camp a failure?
Our 11-year-old son had spent every 4th of July holiday of his life Up North with his extended family, grandparents, cousins, etc. But last winter, he transitioned from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts, and soon after found out that Boy Scout camp Up North included the 4th of July. It's THE big thing in his troop's year, really the main reason for them as new scouts, and NOT to be missed. So when he got that news a few months back, I thought he'd struggle with it.
But he didn't. It all sounded like a lot of fun, and even though he'd never been away for more than an overnight at a friend's house, he said, "Sign me up." This spring, he did two weekend (two-night) camping trips and had little if any trouble with homesickness. So when the final chance to change his mind came several weeks ago, I made sure he knew the rest of the family would be gathering without him for the days before and on the 4th. He wasn't overjoyed, but said he wanted to go to camp because it was so important to the Scout experience.
As we helped him pack the night before he left for camp, my son fell apart. He couldn't stand the idea of missing the time with his family. I was one conflicted dad. My wife was a little less conflicted mom. She couldn't fathom forcing him to go when he dreaded missing his family tradition. I understood that totally, and selfishly, I really wanted him to come with us for our annual trip. But he'd made a commitment, his buddies were counting on him to be there (they were going to be homesick, too) and nothing had changed since he had to make his decision. I believed a real-life lesson on follow-through and persistence was bubbling to the surface.
After a lot of late-night marital discussion, we hit on a compromise. Before we sent him off to camp Sunday morning, we told him that because we'd be passing right by camp on our way to his grandparents' on Tuesday afternoon that if he absolutely couldn't stand it another minute after two days, call us and we'd pick him up. He seemed relieved and we at least didn't feel like we were sending him off to prison.
He called us and we picked him up. Although the adult leaders were polite and understanding, I picked up on the vibe that my son had failed.
We had a wonderful time with him the rest of the week and he reveled in his family time, seemingly unaffected by his premature evacuation from camp.
But his dad is left with lingering questions. Did he fail? Should we have given him that choice? Is it wrong/weird for an 11-year-old to be that close to his family? Should we even have sent him for two days? Were we right to make him pay us back a modest portion of the camp fee? Should he feel any shame when he sees his Scout buddies again? I honestly don't know the answers.
The rites of passage involved with spreading wings can be a huge jumble of emotions for parents and kids. But one size doesn't fit all and boys' transitions to young men can be so muddled. The Boys Scouts know it's best to be prepared. So why do I feel so clueless?
Pray for your kids
In my last blog, I advised parents to monitor their kids. Well, the reality is we can not monitor them 24/7. Weep if we will, we must at some point send our kids away from our protective presence and into what is definitely a dangerous world. What shall we do at such send-away times? How do we continue to parent our kids well even while they are gone?
Pray for them! That's right, you can still be a protective parent from a distance if you will just pray for your kids while they are away from you. For isolating your children from the world, their other parent or anybody and anything else is not a good strategy for raising them right. Don't isolate your kids; insulate them with prayer.
Studies have shown that prayer is good for your health. Your new practice will reveal that prayer is good for your kids' health as well.
Category: Supervision
Posted by Conderidge Smith on Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 12:02 PMHate surprises? Monitor your kids!
Do you like surprises? I don't! Not for my birthday, your birthday or any day - especially in my role as a parent.
Why do I so loathe looking into the face of the until-now-unknown? Because it makes me feel ignorant or oblivious.
Two of my friends and fellow parents recently got some major suprises from their children. One mother recently found a gay triangle and a love letter from her son to another man on her home computer. Her son had told her he was focusing on books not women. She was surprised when she found out he was dating college men and not high school girls.
Another friend of mine found out his daughter wasn't talking on her phone, she was texting - a total $2,000 worth for this month alone. What a surprise!
Now do you see why I hate surprises? What can one do to deal with them? Monitor your children! My son is only 2, and already I am watching him like a hawk. "Nobody messed with you anywhere, right?", I ask him. Why the interrogation so early? Because I hate surprises and so should you. Monitor your children and you can avoid some surprises.
